by the quiet waters

My prayer

May my heart and soul be refreshed and renewed.

May my eyes, ears and heart be opened to You.

May I encounter You truly, deeply, in a new way.

May You give me fresh revelation.

May You bring to me divine encounters

Keep my heart close to You and right before You.

Amen.

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Protected: God opened the way. | Love even when I don’t feel like it.

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Reflection

Dropping a ball does not mean that I am incapable or irresponsible.

Why do I feel like i have to hold on to all the balls?

Why am I feeling this way?

Self care is important

Protected: Frustrated. Tired. Angry. Sad.

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13 June 2018, around 2.30am.

Early this morning, my very dear friend C. has temporarily bade farewell to her father as he returned home to God.

It was heart wrenching to see her having go through this pain of losing a dearly loved one – trying to maintain her composure at times, holding back her tears, forcing a smile on her face… yet when I called out her name when I saw her – the crumpling of her face, the tears that flow down her cheeks from her swollen eyes and that sound of her cry, a cry that I’ve not heard from her before… that completely broke my heart.

And Aunty… my heart aches for her so much as she cried. That hollow look in her eyes and the slow shifting of her feet as she went to her bedroom to take Uncle’s clothes and other belongings to hand them over to the casket company so that they can dress Uncle for his funeral. The lost look on her face, wondering what to do now that she no longer has her dearly beloved husband by her side.

When we were at the mortuary, I saw uncle. He looked like he was simply sleeping peacefully. It was hard to believe that he is no longer there. It felt as if he would wake up again at anytime. That thought honestly crossed my mind when I saw uncle – that he was simply asleep.

I’m still processing all these feelings and thoughts that are floating around in my head. At times my heart aches so much, at times detached from this. If I were to feel this way, I can only imagine that C’s and Aunty’s emotions at this point in time are a hundred or a thousand times worse than mine.

Death. We all know that it would happen one day, yet when it does, it still always throw pple off the track and straight into a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

Yet I know that somewhere in the back of their minds at this point in time, C and her family knows that this is only a temporarily goodbye, that they will see Uncle again. That Death has no hold over them, because Christ has overcomed Death.

Their hope is firmly anchored in Christ.

Ahhhhhhh I’m going to go crazy sooonnnnnnnnnnn

Renew and transform me

Oh Lord, the state of my soul doesn’t seem to be too good. I am tired. It does not feel like just a physical kind of tiredness. The physical aspect is perhaps just a outward sign of the tired state of my soul.

I was initially trying to find reasons (or perhaps excuses) for this tiredness. I thought it was because the demands of school work and attempting to juggle ministry too. I thought it was because school work is tougher this sem, that it requires me to wrestle and interact a lot more than last sem. I thought it was because I had to take on a bigger role in ministry this year.

But when I honestly look inside and reflect. It was because I was busy “doing” but never just “being”. I’ve neglected my relationship with you. There always seem to have other more important things that require my attention than you. I was relying on my own strength to accomplish the tasks and not you. I did not know how to rest before you. I did not trust in you.

And so now my soul is tired. There is this sense of frustration, restlessness. I feel like I’m weighed down. And yesterday night, for some reason I could not really sleep properly. I was in like a half asleep half awake mode. Perhaps my brain was still too active, at some point in time I remember I was thinking about my assignments (tho I was like half asleep in bed).

But there was something that I remembered when I woke up this morning. There was this sentence that kept going round and round in my head in my half sleeping state. It was “renewal is transformation and transformation is renewal.” This sentence was like on a loop on my head. And I woke up feeling puzzled about it.

But now that I think about it… Is this something that you’re telling me Lord? To be renewed and transformed.

I’ve come to realise the importance of spending solitude with you. I need it. I need to be still before you. I’ve come to realise the importance of doing things from a position of rest, in knowing that You are in control and to trust in you.

ICG 2018 afterthought

Yesterday was the ICG 2018 when all the different schools came together for a time of sports and games.

Sports/Games, or generally a task to be accomplished, brings out certain characteristics in people, especially when we begin to forget the main purpose of the game/task.

If this was meant to be competitive, then I guess it’s okay to be competitive, while keeping sportsmanship. But yesterday, I came across one or two occurrences when sportsmanship, graciousness was thrown out of the window, all the more considering that the main purpose of the ICG was to have fun, interact and fellowship.

So, i saw some not very nice behaviours – shouting/scolding own team mates in front of others, after crashing into own team mate, player didn’t bother to stop to check on the injured person but continue with the game, only to realise that everyone else were more concerned about the injured person, etc.

So what’s my take home? That is to not lose sight of the goal, to not lose sight of the end as we go along the journey. And the goal, in the case of ICG, is not to win the games, but to win friendships, to interact and know one another. And so, if we lose sight of that purpose, we will lose our way along the journey.

Perhaps ministry is as such – don’t let our own personal agendas, if we should have any, to cause us to lose sight of the main point of “why we are doing what we are doing” and “for whom we are doing what we are doing”.

Challenges come, but our eyes must be fixed on Christ.

即或不然 // Even if..

“Do you believe and trust in Me because of what I can do for you or only when I grant you your wishes? Or do you believe and trust in Me because of who I am?”

“Who do you say I am?”

Pondering upon these questions after last Sunday’s sermon. Oh well, maybe not just last Sunday’s sermon, but rather the sermons, encounters and conversations that had taken place over the past couple of weeks had led me to reflect… Can I really say that I will still praise Him even when great crisis hits me?

Not that I’m in one now, but just wondering about it… what I can proclaim so readily, surely and confidently during the good times, can I say the same during the bad times?

But one thing I know is that, good times or bad, He is still God. He does not change. He is my solid foundation.

And so.. I’m still learning to trust in Him in the “and if not”.. for end of day, I believe in Him for who He is, not what He can do.

My heart goes out to Hualien and its people. I love it there and to hear the news of earthquake devastation this morning is painful.

Can’t believe that the beautiful city that we were in exactly one month ago is now shattered by earthquake.

Pray that the people whom we know and have come across are safe.

In the midst of adversities, God still reigns. We will continue to pray.